Depression – Disability Justice and Violence Prevention Resource Hub

The Images of Depression By Ellie Satre

Image Description: The pencil sketch depicts a bloodied hand holding a mirror shard reflecting the skull of the beholder. In my mind, this is what depression looks like. It is something that on the outside you only look hurt – maybe a little bloodied. However, when you look upon yourself, you feel nothing, a void that feels so close to death. My sketch depicts the morbidness and the pain that clinical depression can cause in a person and that it can be anyone.

Just see me

Just See Me
By Ellie Satre

Sometimes I wish I could just die.

It seems so easy…

…the flick of a switch…
…the push of a button…

If only it were as easy as closing your eyes

wishing it to be.

I don’t really understand it—
practically never, if I’m being truthful.

The voices.
So many voices,
myself but not at all.

The weight,
a monster

pulling

down

my spirit.

Not a comforting weight
like a dog on your lap,

but a deadly weight

that drags,

slowing you down,

whispering

you’re not good enough,

you’d be better off dead.

SHUT UP!

That’s what I tell it,
but it doesn’t listen.

“You’re fine. Just sleep it off.”

That’s what others say,
but they don’t understand.

“I’ve been sad before. What’s the difference?”

I try to explain:
I can’t catch my breath,

all these worries

An image of a concrete poem (also known as a shape poem) designed in the silhouette of a bowl.

(Image description: The outline of the vessel is formed by the phrase “Filling my body to the brim” curving along the bottom and sides. The “steam” rising from the top and the entire center of the cup are filled with the word “Worries” repeated many times in various fonts, sizes, and orientations, creating a cluttered and overwhelming visual effect.)

“If this is how you feel
I don’t know how to help you.
Just suck it up, ig.”

Little do you know
you make the tears heavier
and the weight more painful.

I can’t stop it,
but you keep making it worse.

If I don’t know how to explain it,
just be there for me.
Don’t belittle me.
Don’t think of me as less.

“Oh pobrecito.”

I don’t need your pity.
I have monsters, just like you—
they just speak louder
and weigh more.

My feelings are real.
You might not see it on the outside.
I might hide it with a mask,

but it’s cracking
more and more every day.

It’s not always bad,
but it’s still real.

Just see me for who I am.
I beg of you.

About the Author

Image Description: A young woman with short, dark hair and a slight smile poses outdoors. She is wearing a light blue ribbed tank top with thin black straps, a black choker necklace with a silver snake pendant, and a smartwatch. The background shows a shallow, rippling body of water with a sandy bottom.

Artist Bio: My name is Ellie Satre. I’m currently an 18 year old freshman at Indiana University Indianapolis. I’m currently studying Biology and Forensic Science so that I may go to Med School to become a forensic pathologist. While I don’t have a physical disability, I have struggled with anxiety and depression for years. I have struggled with suicidal ideologies and I used to put up with those that wouldn’t help, listen, or understand. Now, I choose to surround myself with those that are willing to listen and those who are willing to understand and help. I believe that everyone deserves respect and for their voices to be heard. Mental disabilities can be greatly overlooked and put off as something that doesn’t matter as much because it’s “all in the head.” The only thing that does it make the voices louder. Everyone deserves a voice. Everyone deserves care. With my whole heart, I believe this.

Disability Empowerment By Samantha Horning

About two years ago, I was struggling with major depressive disorder and my recently diagnosed panic disorder with agoraphobia. It was my senior year, and I could barely drive or go to school without breaking down. During this time, I was also applying for college. I had applied to IU Indianapolis and IU Online. I thought I would have to attend college online, because it was a struggle just to leave my house, but I knew I couldn’t give up on getting higher education.

A few months after being accepted to IU Indianapolis, I found out I had earned a full-ride scholarship via the IUI Honors College. The scholarship required me to live on campus, something that felt completely impossible. Earning such a prestigious scholarship was an amazing feeling, but I also felt like maybe I was taking the spot of someone else who was more capable. After all, I couldn’t even go to the store without having a panic attack.

I applied for accommodations via IUI’s Accessible Education Services, which would help me learn and take tests in a more comfortable environment and have flexibility for mental illness-related absences. These accommodations helped me feel more confident about attending classes and living on campus. However, I knew I would have to do more if I was going to be able to go to college and live on campus

A college building with a graduation cap in the foreground.

I was able to graduate from high school with technical and academic honors (and a lot of absences during my senior year). After graduation, I started to visit the IU Indianapolis campus with my family to get used to being there in an attempt to appease my panic disorder. The
scholarship I received also required me to move in a week early and go on a retreat with my fellow scholarship recipients. At the time, this retreat was extremely scary, but looking back, being on campus early with fellow honors students helped me get acclimated to campus and
make a few friends. The retreat included traveling around campus and around downtown Indianapolis. I had to force myself to go, but it helped me immensely.

I credit Accessible Education Services, the IU Indianapolis Honors College, and my family for why I was able to attend college despite the struggles I was facing. The support I received helped me feel empowered to achieve my goals, no matter the obstacles along the way. I sincerely hope that other young people facing mental illness or disorders do not give up on their goals, because there are always resources and services that can help them.

I am majoring in psychology and plan to go to graduate school for clinical psychology, because I want to help people who are facing mental illness overcome their struggles and achieve their goals. Diagnoses can sometimes feel like a life sentence, but there are always people there to support and empower you.

About the Author

Image Description: Samantha at the induction ceremony for Phi Eta Sigma and Alpha Lambda Delta honor societies. It is a headshot of a young woman with long, straight black hair and clear-framed glasses, smiling subtly.

Artist Bio: Samantha is an undergraduate student at Indiana University Indianapolis. She is completing her BS in psychology with minors in neuroscience and sociology. She is passionate about helping people impacted by mental illness, addiction, and domestic violence. In the future, she plans to attend graduate school for clinical psychology.

Now, I am Safe by Jennifer Milharcic

* IDJ does not endorse any religious affiliation

* CONTENT WARNING: This post deals with suicidal ideation.

To me being safe comes from feeling loved, accepted, wanted, needed, and valued. What happens when someone does not feel that way towards themselves? Meet me and my long struggle with depression and suicidality. My family and friends did provide those things. I just could not feel it towards myself. That dissonance seemed insurmountable, and it only made me feel worse, like nobody understood. Nobody saw the true me.

Did I feel safe? That is a resounding NO! I have a wonderful faith, and I just wanted to go to my heavenly home. No, it was not a hopeful wish. For many years, I was frustrated, worn, and wanted to die, but I did not want to hurt anyone I loved and cared about. It was this push/pull that exhausted and shamed me for what seemed like a lifetime. At times, I just did not care about how others would feel, which landed me in the psych ward too many times to count.

It was a rough road and a lot of unsafe years. God eventually put two strangers in my way, a very stubborn, patient and caring counselor and a gracious, thoughtful pastor I had heard preach once or twice that I now call friend. They just would not give up on me. My counselor just kept saying to hang on until WE get through this. She gave me room and support to share, heal and grow. My poor pastor, I would pour out all the ugliness I felt into emails that he would faithfully answer with gentleness and grace. I believe sometimes it was a nightly thing. I was never “to much to take.” Although they did not know each other, my counselor and my pastor, from time to time they would ask me what the other thought.

They were safe. They had not known me beforehand and had no idea who I was, if I was loveable, acceptable, and valuable. Now, of course, a counselor and pastor would think a person was loveable, acceptable and valuable, but that did not matter. They did not know me and therefore, there were no expectations I could fail to meet.

Through a lot of hard work, support, meds, and an encounter with God. I began to love and accept myself, to feel that I was wanted and needed, and I found my intrinsic value. I was able to accept the love and support my family and friends had to offer without feeling like a fraud.

I feel safe when I am heard.

In writing this, I left out so many memories, good and hard, that I could fill ten or twenty pages. I had supportive friends and family and other very good counselors throughout my struggle. I also left out that I have Cerebral Palsy which adds another layer of complexity. This was not on purpose. My depression was never about “if I could only speak clearly, or walk, or… then I would be happy.” I wanted to tell you about feeling safe.

My life was hard, but it is good.

About the Author

Image Description: Jennifer is smiling broadly with her long hair pulled back and wearing a purple shirt.

Author Bio:

I have been working with ICADV/IDJ since 2020. I have several disabilities, Cerebral Palsy and recurring depression. Working with and helping others are my favorite activities. I believe in promoting equality, equity and justice among all marginalized people. Faith is very important in guiding me through enjoying what life has to offer.v

Kenadie’s Safe Place

By Artist: Kenadie

Description of Art:
Front: This piece is painted and drawn on a rectangle canvas. It shows a bedroom with yellow walls, tan-colored flooring, a white open door, and typical bedroom furniture. The dresser drawers are open with clothes spilling out of them. The waste basket is overflowing, there is a book on the floor, and someone sitting in their bed on the right side of the room. The person has storm clouds with lightning above them and a thought bubble with the following words: Bills, Crime, Love, Food, Family, Success, School, and Job.

Back: The back of this canvas has a note from the artist written in pencil. This drawing represents anxiety and depression to me cause even though you’re in your so called Safe Space and where I feel most comfortable things around you that would make you happy can’t even get you out of bed. You have everything around you to make you happy but no motivation to do so. Anxiety will cloud my mind and I worry about everything all at once and I lose sleep, and precious productive time. I try not to overthink and just lay down but it never works. I feel like anxiety and depression go hand in hand and if you can eliminate one it feels a little better. Being in my room in general helps my anxiety and where I feel most free to release my emotions and isolate.

Artist: Kenadie (She/Her)
Interview:
This project has been exciting for a number of reasons but especially because we had the opportunity to talk to each of the artists about their piece. Here is just some of what Kenadie (She/Her) shared with us on August 5th, 2024.

Kenadie (She/Her) is a lover of art including drawing, poetry, and tattoos. She is a young adult living in a housing program for LGBTQ+ youth and she experiences depression and anxiety.

Describing their Art:
When Kenadie thought about submitting art for this project the first thing that came to mind was her safe space, her room. Her room is the space where she gets to be alone with her thoughts and she has everything she needs. Even though it is her safe space, anxiety and depression can still come through. She was very intentional about portraying a space that is dark, “kind of dingy” to emphasize how it feels late at night.
For Kenadie, a safe, stable, and nurturing environment has routine but the people supporting you let you take things step by step.
“There can be better days, where you get up and feel motivated. You just feel the emotions through, it’s okay to feel them and feel low sometimes but when you’re ready just pick up and keep going.”

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