Have you ever looked in the mirror and wondered where you went? Because all you see is sadness, anger, emptiness or loneliness. A shell of a person who used to genuinely smile.
Have you ever been in the middle of a crowd or surrounded by family, yet felt so alone? A deep, soul-wrenching loneliness.
Have you ever woken up and wished you hadn’t? And, you wished you hadn’t with a passion so deep that it shakes you to the core; it terrifies you.
Have you ever felt so empty that you don’t even know if you’re alive? Like you’re a black hole that is eating every emotion, but you can’t feel anything.
Have you ever laid in bed wondering if your family, your children, would be happier without you? Because you feel like you are this giant burden that is dragging everyone around you down and nothing you do is right anyways.
Have you ever asked yourself why? Why me? Why is this happening? Why do I feel this way? What can’t I just snap out of it?
This is depression at its finest. It’s dark and light. It’s happy and sad. It’s crying one moment and being angry, so angry, the next. It’s putting on a smile to mask the pain. It’s playing with your children as if you hadn’t just been in the bathroom crying. It’s a Black Hole that sucks the life out of you until you don’t even know who you are anymore. It’s like drowning, you’re sinking into an ocean of pain and you can’t breathe and you can’t get to the surface.
And, you can’t explain it. Because you’re scared. You’re terrified that no one will understand. That they’ll judge you. They’ll think you’re crazy. But you’re so scared all of the time of what will come next. What if you don’t get better? What if it never ends?
This is Depression.
The Lonely Girl
Image Descriptions: The image on the left is a colorful painting featuring a mother and daughter, a bunny, flowers, and birds. The sky is purple, the air is orange, and the grass is green. There are three Daisies with white petals. Near the flowers, the mother and daughter silhouette appear to be walking away. The rabbit watches them go. The birds fly over the flowers. The piece on the left uses colored pencils to create an image called “The Lonely Girl” who is sitting on a swing hung from a single branch of the tree. There is a bird sitting on the branch looking down at the lonely girl. The ground is green and grassy with several flowers. The air is downcast colors of brown and blue.
My body doesn’t work – they say – to please the male gaze.
My body doesn’t work to cope with the 8h-per-day working schedule.
My body doesn’t work to be drafted, to give birth or to please whoever demands to be pleased.
My body is a dividing line between my light and the world.
But my body works to dance, badly and clumsily, under the rain when nobody is watching.
It works to punch, to save itself.
It works to grow fruits, to get muddy, to taste the wind.
My body works as a lair for non-normative pleasures.
While my sex is a hibernating winter, my nerves are a hieroglyph of orgasms randomly spread throughout the skin.
My body doesn’t serve any purpose, it doesn’t serve anybody because it is not built for serfdom.
No body is.
My body is built to enjoy witchcraft, to hug the others, to give birth to fantasies, to swallow life until it’s over.
My body serves ME. I am its purpose. It works to heal me. To heal with and for my people.
A purpose for which society, the same one that has always named and built us disabled, has never been able at all.
Title: TW. Ableism. Poet Name: Cénix C. Callejo.
Long story short, this poem was written in 2017, at a homeless day shelter, to remind myself that I –a violence survivor- as well as any person in any difficult or similar situation, was worthy and deserved the job I was denied, the home I wasn’t able to afford and the safety I wasn’t guaranteed with. I hope others can find comfort in it and it can help them to navigate their own paths whenever it gets tricky, and I also hope it can be a tiny contribution towards a much needed social change.
Bio: Cénix is a biologist and an environmental activist. They are a MSc in Biology, a Wildlife Rehabilitator and Environmental Educator Specialized in Grassroots Community Conservation, at different farmers and indigenous-led conservation projects. They have studied and volunteered/worked within the Environmental Field at Spain, UK, Greece, Peru and Ecuador.
Besides Wildlife Protection, Cénix has also been and is actively involved within several activism fields, regarding Mental Health, Disability, Survivorship, Homelessness and Transfeminism, amongst others.
After several episodes of male violence and mobbing linked to a severe work accident at their last job placement in 2019, they are currently being hosted at Spain, recovering while working and expanding their studies, seeking to expand their working opportunities in order to be able to fully afford again their own room and life expenses.
Photo:
[PHOTO DESCRIPTION: A frontal picture of Cénix, a white person with black curly hair to the shoulders, from head to knees. They are at a forest. Their right hand is grabbing a branch tree, their left arm is hanging. They are wearing grey sports trousers, a colourful shirt with flowers and a pink sweater. They are smiling and wearing black and white glasses. They are also wearing a red fanny pack with a pin of a yellow daffodil. There is a big rock behind them and green trees at the back.]
Where to read more: You can find more about their poetry (in Spanish) or contact them at their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/Oniroteca/
This image shows a meter measuring the level of awareness from low, moderate, high, to maximum. The red dial appears to be moving quickly on maximum awareness.
March is disability awareness month in Indiana and Indiana Disability Justice realizes that awareness is a great first step to improve the lives of people with disabilities. Awareness is important because we need to acknowledge ableism and the discrimination that people with disabilities face so that we can reduce and eliminate them. The awareness that people with disabilities are just as human as anyone else is necessary in order to fully include people into our society, communities, workplaces, neighborhoods, and peer groups. Even though we need more than awareness, awareness is a factor in ending violence against people with disabilities. With all this in mind, IDJ will be publishing different kinds of artistic pieces that showcases the perspectives of disabled people. Some of these pieces will relate directly to disabilities. However, some of them will not have anything to do with disability. This is because some of our artists want to remind us that they are more than their disabilities. Please visit us often to grow your perspective!
Post credit: Jody Powers, IDJ Hub Coordinator and IDJ Leadership Action Team member and Cierra Olivia Thomas Williams, IDJ Co-Leader and IDJ Leadership Action Team member
If you’re like me, you’re already sick of political chatter this year. Extremism from both sides of the political aisle is the greatest I recall during my lifetime, and politics seems to be becoming less collegial. Yet, rather than work toward compromise, partisans are turning inward to isolate themselves or “canceling” those of whom they are critical. I have always enjoyed browsing the marketplace of ideas and considering all potential policy solutions to resolve an issue. And Lord knows, I have a lot of issues!
I am not alone; the disability community, too, could be specifically affected by a number of bills introduced in this year’s session of the General Assembly. This blog post is a curated list of some of the bills that I hope will be passed, as well as the bills I view as particularly detrimental to the interests of the greater disability community. I’ve also thrown in some bills that seem just plain weird. In the interest of time, have limited myself to three topics per category. Thus, the good, the bad, and the ugly of the 2021 Session:
The Good
HB 1081 – Medicaid Self-Directed Care. Yes! This bill would require the Family and Social Services Administration (FSSA) to submit a State Plan Amendment to the federal government, requesting that the Indiana’s Medicaid program participate in the Community First Choice Option to give more Medicaid enrollees access to self-directed care. Currently, Indiana only allows some participants on its Aged and Disabled Waiver limited options to receive some attendant care services in a self-directed manner. This bill, if enacted, would presumably provide many more Hoosiers much more autonomy over their activities of daily living.
HB 1092 – Tax Credit for Contribution to ABLE Accounts. I cannot think of a single reason anyone would oppose this bill (except, perhaps, for Ebenezer Scrooge, himself). If passed, this bill would provide a state tax credit to any taxpayer contributing to an ABLE account in the state. The tax credit would be the lesser of: (1) the total amount of contributions made by the taxpayer in the taxable year; (2) $1,000 (or, for a married person filing a separate return, $500); or (3) the amount of the taxpayer’s adjusted gross income minus allowable credits. This bill is particularly beneficial to working individuals with ABLE accounts, as they can benefit from funds added to their accounts and the tax credit.
Multiple bills would keep and/or expand telemedicine/telehealth in Indiana, including, HB 1286, HB 1347, and SB 3. During the pandemic, many Hoosiers learned what people with disabilities already knew: sometimes it’s difficult or impossible to go out about for health care purposes. Although having complete choice as to whether one meets in person or remotely would be ideal, at least those with transportation difficulties now have at least one avenue to receive needed medical care.
The Bad
SB 12 – Service Dog Endorsement on Operator’s License. This bill worries me more than any other, especially as a service dog owner. If passed, the Bureau of Motor Vehicles (BMV) would have to ask those obtaining or renewing driver’s licenses whether they voluntarily want their license to describe the use of their service animal. Critically, the bill defines “service animal” differently than federal law does. Moreover, the BMV has no mechanism to truly know whether a service animal is legitimate. For these reasons, the public will be more confused than ever about service dog laws. In addition to navigating that confusion, service dog handlers will also likely encounter more fake service dogs than ever. Please let Senator Kruse know that people with legitimate service dogs denied entry to public facilities already have resolution methods. SB 12 would only make the problem worse.
Several bills, including HB 1295 and HB 1375, for the Elimination of Gun-Free Zones. Don’t get me wrong; I generally be support Second Amendment and believe the world would be a lot safer if everyone was packing. However, there are a few places where guns do not logically belong, including State-operated facilities for individuals with mental illness. I am not associating mental illness with criminal violence. However, I am concerned that if individuals working in these facilities bring weapons onto the campus, the risk of suicide and other forms of bodily harm is needlessly increased. As a State employee who is physically unable to wield a gun, I am also uncomfortable with the idea that frustrated members of the public could legally carry guns when coming to confront me or my colleagues.
Another batch of bills, including HB 1315, HB 1437, and SB 369, would allow government bodies to meet and conduct business remotely. As noted when discussing the telehealth bills, remote participation is usually a nice option for people with disabilities. However, government bodies do not seem as attuned to the needs of people with disabilities as do medical providers (and, as those using American Sign Language can certainly attest, medical providers still fall short granting reasonable accommodation requests). Just trying to watch the 1102 Commission meetings during the coronavirus pandemic was an ordeal, even though the subject matter was intellectual and developmental disability services. Thus, I am concerned that if more government business is conducted electronically, people with disabilities will be shut out of the conversation more easily. Not all platforms are accessible to individuals with various disabilities, not everyone has access to the Internet, etc.
The Ugly
HB 1333 – Cultural Awareness and Competency Training. I appreciate the intention behind this bill, which is to ensure that healthcare professionals have ongoing cultural awareness and competency training – including disability-related training. The problem is that the Department of Health and the Office of Minority Health must develop the training. I don’t know about you, but I would much prefer the Governor’s Council on People with Disabilities or Indiana Disability Rights to provide disability awareness and competency training.
SB 286 – Disability and Rehabilitative Services. This bill provides criteria as to what individuals comprise the Division of Disability and Rehabilitative Services (DDRS) Advisory Committee. Two things about this bill bother me. First, only two self-advocates are permitted to serve on the Committee, although its work pertains exclusively to people with disabilities. Second, and the reason why I categorize this bill as “ugly,” is because it is disability-specific, limiting membership to those involved with or having intellectual and developmental disabilities. As we know, DDRS serves people who are blind, people who are Deaf or deaf, people with physical disabilities, and people with mental illness, in addition to people with intellectual and developmental disabilities.
A handful of bills would, if passed, raise the minimum wage, including HB 1345 and SB 334. Importantly, neither of these bills would change the definition of “employee” in the Indiana Code. This means that, even if one of these bills went on to increase Indiana’s minimum wage, it would still be lawful to pay people with disabilities working in sheltered workshops as little as one cent per hour. I encourage you to reach out to these bills’ sponsors and see if either would be willing to see wages increase for all Hoosiers.
I promised to be brief, which has precluded me from discussing other important bills. I also encourage you to check out: SB 74, which would make it illegal for an employer to require an employee to vaccinate; SB 378, regarding electronic monitoring in nursing homes; HB 1261, which would require places of public accommodation to use closed captioning on all televisions in use; nearly every voting bill; and SB 202, SB 206, and SB 229, which would generally preclude nursing homes from excluding visits from all family members during a public emergency. Although this might ban me from social media, I have to say it: Keep fighting for disability rights!
(Picture of Emily Munson wearing green V-neck shirt and green beaded necklace. She is smiling and has shoulder length black hair) Emily Munson, 36, is an Indianapolis attorney with spinal muscular atrophy, type 2. She enjoys advocating for disability rights, reading, and cuddling with her service dog, Rigby.
(Picture of Emily Munson wearing green V-neck shirt and green beaded necklace. She is smiling and has shoulder length black hair) Emily Munson, 36, is an Indianapolis attorney with spinal muscular atrophy, type 2. She enjoys advocating for disability rights, reading, and cuddling with her service dog, Rigby.