By Olivia Hope
I move but I am slow. The pep I once had in my step is now a shuffle. I hesitate to continue this
endless path of hopelessness. Where am I going? How did I get here? Why? I ask myself these
questions but they are left unanswered. I cannot stop to consider what these answers could be or
what they mean for me. All I can do is move forward.
Some days, I find my feet feel lighter. I can pick up the pace and wear a smile on my face. Other
days, I am on the ground crawling inch by inch. I long for what once was. When I ran with
freedom and skipped with joy, uninhibited by the weight of my sorrow and trauma. When did
this load become so heavy? Who is to blame? Why? I ask myself these questions but still they
are left to their own. All I can do is move forward.
As the mile markers go by, I pick up more weight and drop some off. The burdens fluctuate but
the pace remains the same. Even when my shoulders and hands are free, my body remains heavy.
My mind is chaotic white noise and I feel I am over capacity, incapable of finding myself. Who
am I outside of my obligations, family, and school? Where do I end and they begin? Why do I
feel I am never enough? This question stops me in my tracks.
I sound like the voices in my life who kept me small, sorrowful, and stiff. I do not like that. I
look at the road behind me, all the miles I have walked, crawled, ran. I remember each step and
how at each obstacle, each weight added, and each burden removed, I kept moving. I turn around
and stare at the road ahead of me, breathing in this moment of stillness. I want to shame myself
for standing still, but the sounds of the birds and the warmth of the breeze distracts me from
those thoughts. I should take breaks like this more often.
I take one final breath and I continue my pace once again. This time, I am walking taller and I
see a light in the distance that I did not see before. My body is still heavy and my mind is still
static, but the light provides me with strength. I see how much I have overcome and how much I
will accomplish in my future. I move forward feeling hopeful and more than enough
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Olivia “Liv” Hope
Olivia “Liv” Hope is a senior at Purdue University Fort Wayne majoring in Psychology, minoring in Philosophy and Religious Studies with a certificate in LGBT+ Studies. Olivia has received student awards for his involvement on campus and through his community advocacy in Fort Wayne, has been invited to sit on local advisory groups and be a guest speaker on panels. He is a single parent to a 3-year old child at home and enjoys being out in nature. Because of his lived experiences in the mental healthcare system and passions for advocacy, his career plans are to obtain his PhD in neuropsychology to advance alternative nonmedical treatments for psychiatric patients.
Image description: A selfie taken by Liv in his bedroom. He has black hair with a green streak and a black nose piercing. He is smiling while wearing a black shirt with a green crystal necklace.
