Now, I am Safe by Jennifer Milharcic

* IDJ does not endorse any religious affiliation

* CONTENT WARNING: This post deals with suicidal ideation.

To me being safe comes from feeling loved, accepted, wanted, needed, and valued. What happens when someone does not feel that way towards themselves? Meet me and my long struggle with depression and suicidality. My family and friends did provide those things. I just could not feel it towards myself. That dissonance seemed insurmountable, and it only made me feel worse, like nobody understood. Nobody saw the true me.

Did I feel safe? That is a resounding NO! I have a wonderful faith, and I just wanted to go to my heavenly home. No, it was not a hopeful wish. For many years, I was frustrated, worn, and wanted to die, but I did not want to hurt anyone I loved and cared about. It was this push/pull that exhausted and shamed me for what seemed like a lifetime. At times, I just did not care about how others would feel, which landed me in the psych ward too many times to count.

It was a rough road and a lot of unsafe years. God eventually put two strangers in my way, a very stubborn, patient and caring counselor and a gracious, thoughtful pastor I had heard preach once or twice that I now call friend. They just would not give up on me. My counselor just kept saying to hang on until WE get through this. She gave me room and support to share, heal and grow. My poor pastor, I would pour out all the ugliness I felt into emails that he would faithfully answer with gentleness and grace. I believe sometimes it was a nightly thing. I was never “to much to take.” Although they did not know each other, my counselor and my pastor, from time to time they would ask me what the other thought.

They were safe. They had not known me beforehand and had no idea who I was, if I was loveable, acceptable, and valuable. Now, of course, a counselor and pastor would think a person was loveable, acceptable and valuable, but that did not matter. They did not know me and therefore, there were no expectations I could fail to meet.

Through a lot of hard work, support, meds, and an encounter with God. I began to love and accept myself, to feel that I was wanted and needed, and I found my intrinsic value. I was able to accept the love and support my family and friends had to offer without feeling like a fraud.

I feel safe when I am heard.

In writing this, I left out so many memories, good and hard, that I could fill ten or twenty pages. I had supportive friends and family and other very good counselors throughout my struggle. I also left out that I have Cerebral Palsy which adds another layer of complexity. This was not on purpose. My depression was never about “if I could only speak clearly, or walk, or… then I would be happy.” I wanted to tell you about feeling safe.

My life was hard, but it is good.

About the Author

Jennifer is smiling broadly with her long hair pulled back and wearing a purple shirt.

Image Description: Jennifer is smiling broadly with her long hair pulled back and wearing a purple shirt.

Author Bio:

I have been working with ICADV/IDJ since 2020. I have several disabilities, Cerebral Palsy and recurring depression. Working with and helping others are my favorite activities. I believe in promoting equality, equity and justice among all marginalized people. Faith is very important in guiding me through enjoying what life has to offer.v

Wings

By artst: Tara

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This piece was sent as simple text that reads: “you took me in with broken wings, nursed me over time, helped me move past many things, and taught me how to fly. When things began to fall apart, and darkness turned to stone, your kind embrace and warming heart, began to feel like home. You mended every shattered dream, with patience, gentle grace, and in your light, my spirit gleamed, I found my peace in this safe space. Now as I soar on newfound wings, and face the skies so wide, your wisdom guides me through the nigh t, and lifts me up with pride.”

This piece was sent as simple text that reads: “you took me in with broken wings, nursed me over time, helped me move past many things, and taught me how to fly. When things began to fall apart, and darkness turned to stone, your kind embrace and warming heart, began to feel like home. You mended every shattered dream, with patience, gentle grace, and in your light, my spirit gleamed, I found my peace in this safe space. Now as I soar on newfound wings, and face the skies so wide, your wisdom guides me through the nigh t, and lifts me up with pride.”

Artist: Tara (She/Her)
Interview:
This project has been exciting for a number of reasons but especially because we had the opportunity to talk to each of the artists about their piece. Here is just some of what Tara (She/Her) shared with us on September 6th, 2024.

Tara (She/Her) is a lover of all things purple and DND (Dungeons and Dragons). She is a neurodivergent young adult living in a housing program for LGBTQ+ youth.

Describing their Art:
Tara wanted to capture some of the thoughts that have been going through her head since she moved into the housing program she is in.
“Everything that I thought I was never going to have I’ve been able to work towards and get.”
For Tara, safe, stable, and nurturing environments have people who are just there to help guide you through the good and the challenging bits life has to offer.
Those people ask what you need instead of assuming.
“A lot of the time people just put things in place, but they don’t ask anybody who it would actually effect.”
To those who are having a difficult time…
“When things seem down there are places and people that can help get you to where you can thrive.”
To those who work with young people like Tara…
“Thank you.”

Kenadie’s Safe Place

By Artist: Kenadie

Description of Art:
Front: This piece is painted and drawn on a rectangle canvas. It shows a bedroom with yellow walls, tan-colored flooring, a white open door, and typical bedroom furniture. The dresser drawers are open with clothes spilling out of them. The waste basket is overflowing, there is a book on the floor, and someone sitting in their bed on the right side of the room. The person has storm clouds with lightning above them and a thought bubble with the following words: Bills, Crime, Love, Food, Family, Success, School, and Job.


Description of Art:
Front: This piece is painted and drawn on a rectangle canvas. It shows a bedroom with yellow walls, tan-colored flooring, a white open door, and typical bedroom furniture. The dresser drawers are open with clothes spilling out of them. The waste basket is overflowing, there is a book on the floor, and someone sitting in their bed on the right side of the room. The person has storm clouds with lightning above them and a thought bubble with the following words: Bills, Crime, Love, Food, Family, Success, School, and Job.

Back: The back of this canvas has a note from the artist written in pencil. This drawing represents anxiety and depression to me cause even though you’re in your so called Safe Space and where I feel most comfortable things around you that would make you happy can’t even get you out of bed. You have everything around you to make you happy but no motivation to do so. Anxiety will cloud my mind and I worry about everything all at once and I lose sleep, and precious productive time. I try not to overthink and just lay down but it never works. I feel like anxiety and depression go hand in hand and if you can eliminate one it feels a little better. Being in my room in general helps my anxiety and where I feel most free to release my emotions and isolate.

Back: The back of this canvas has a note from the artist written in pencil. This drawing represents anxiety and depression to me cause even though you’re in your so called Safe Space and where I feel most comfortable things around you that would make you happy can’t even get you out of bed. You have everything around you to make you happy but no motivation to do so. Anxiety will cloud my mind and I worry about everything all at once and I lose sleep, and precious productive time. I try not to overthink and just lay down but it never works. I feel like anxiety and depression go hand in hand and if you can eliminate one it feels a little better. Being in my room in general helps my anxiety and where I feel most free to release my emotions and isolate.

Artist: Kenadie (She/Her)
Interview:
This project has been exciting for a number of reasons but especially because we had the opportunity to talk to each of the artists about their piece. Here is just some of what Kenadie (She/Her) shared with us on August 5th, 2024.

Kenadie (She/Her) is a lover of art including drawing, poetry, and tattoos. She is a young adult living in a housing program for LGBTQ+ youth and she experiences depression and anxiety.

Describing their Art:
When Kenadie thought about submitting art for this project the first thing that came to mind was her safe space, her room. Her room is the space where she gets to be alone with her thoughts and she has everything she needs. Even though it is her safe space, anxiety and depression can still come through. She was very intentional about portraying a space that is dark, “kind of dingy” to emphasize how it feels late at night.
For Kenadie, a safe, stable, and nurturing environment has routine but the people supporting you let you take things step by step.
“There can be better days, where you get up and feel motivated. You just feel the emotions through, it’s okay to feel them and feel low sometimes but when you’re ready just pick up and keep going.”

The Semicolon

Artist: Mo Clark

Description of Art:
This piece is on a white rectangle canvas and was created using a variety of colorful markers. At the center of the piece is a side profile of a person in black ink. Inside the side profile where the brain would be is a plethora of colorful scribbles going in a circular motion. At the center of the scribes is a silver-colored semi colon. At the bottom right edge of the piece is the artist’s signature, black letters “MCC” with 3 dots under the letters.

Description of Art:
This piece is on a white rectangle canvas and was created using a variety of colorful markers. At the center of the piece is a side profile of a person in black ink. Inside the side profile where the brain would be is a plethora of colorful scribbles going in a circular motion. At the center of the scribes is a silver-colored semi colon. At the bottom right edge of the piece is the artist’s signature, black letters “MCC” with 3 dots under the letters.

Artist: Mo Clark (They/Them)
Interview:
This project has been exciting for a number of reasons but especially because we had the opportunity to talk to each of the artists about their piece. Here is just some of what Mo Clark (They/Them) shared with us on August 2nd, 2024.

Mo (They/Them) is a lover of art and music, in fact they can play the trumpet, cello, violin, mellophone, french horn, and guitar. They are a young adult living in a housing program for LGBTQ+ youth and they describe themself as both neurodivergent and disabled.

Describing their Art:
Mo shared that they have multiple “mental illnesses” but did not start to consider themselves as disabled until the government did. They said that the scribbles represented the “mess” in your head when you have multiple mental health conditions. The center of the scribbles is a semicolon, as a symbol for the chronic suicidality that they’ve dealt with.
“It’s a symbol to continue on and not stop.”
For Mo, a safe, stable, and nurturing environment is weapon free and encourages you to continue living life and writing your story.
“Not all disabilities are visible, they’re in your head and they’re messy.”