This is Depression

By Paige Guffey

Have you ever looked in the mirror and wondered where you went? Because all you see is sadness, anger, emptiness or loneliness. A shell of a person who used to genuinely smile.

Have you ever been in the middle of a crowd or surrounded by family, yet felt so alone? A deep, soul-wrenching loneliness.

Have you ever woken up and wished you hadn’t? And, you wished you hadn’t with a passion so deep that it shakes you to the core; it terrifies you.

Have you ever felt so empty that you don’t even know if you’re alive? Like you’re a black hole that is eating every emotion, but you can’t feel anything.

Have you ever laid in bed wondering if your family, your children, would be happier without you? Because you feel like you are this giant burden that is dragging everyone around you down and nothing you do is right anyways.

Have you ever asked yourself why? Why me? Why is this happening? Why do I feel this way? What can’t I just snap out of it?

This is depression at its finest. It’s dark and light. It’s happy and sad. It’s crying one moment and being angry, so angry, the next. It’s putting on a smile to mask the pain. It’s playing with your children as if you hadn’t just been in the bathroom crying. It’s a Black Hole that sucks the life out of you until you don’t even know who you are anymore. It’s like drowning, you’re sinking into an ocean of pain and you can’t breathe and you can’t get to the surface.

And, you can’t explain it. Because you’re scared. You’re terrified that no one will understand. That they’ll judge you. They’ll think you’re crazy. But you’re so scared all of the time of what will come next. What if you don’t get better? What if it never ends?

This is Depression.

  • The Lonely Girl
    The Lonely Girl
Image Descriptions: The image on the left is a colorful painting featuring a mother and daughter, a bunny, flowers, and birds. The sky is purple, the air is orange, and the grass is green. There are three Daisies with white petals. Near the flowers, the mother and daughter silhouette appear to be walking away. The rabbit watches them go. The birds fly over the flowers. The piece on the left uses colored pencils to create an image called “The Lonely Girl” who is sitting on a swing hung from a single branch of the tree. There is a bird sitting on the branch looking down at the lonely girl. The ground is green and grassy with several flowers. The air is downcast colors of brown and blue.

tw. Ableism

My body doesn’t work – they say –
to please the male gaze.

My body doesn’t work
to cope with the 8h-per-day
working schedule.

My body doesn’t work
to be drafted,
to give birth
or to please
whoever demands
to be pleased.

My body is a dividing line
between my light
and the world.

But my body works
to dance, badly and clumsily,
under the rain
when nobody is watching.

It works
to punch,
to save itself.

It works
to grow fruits,
to get muddy,
to taste the wind.

My body works
as a lair
for non-normative
pleasures.

While my sex is a hibernating winter,
my nerves are a hieroglyph
of orgasms
randomly spread
throughout the skin.

My body doesn’t serve any purpose,
it doesn’t serve anybody
because it is not built for serfdom.

No     body     is.

My body is built
to enjoy witchcraft,
to hug the others,
to give birth to fantasies,
to swallow life until it’s over.

My body serves ME.
I am its purpose.
It works to heal me.
To heal with and for my people.

A purpose for which society,
the same one that has always named
and built us disabled,
has never been able
at all.

Title: TW. Ableism.
Poet Name: Cénix C. Callejo.

Long story short, this poem was written in 2017, at a homeless day shelter, to remind myself that I –a violence survivor- as well as any person in any difficult or similar situation, was worthy and deserved the job I was denied, the home I wasn’t able to afford and the safety I wasn’t guaranteed with. I hope others can find comfort in it and it can help them to navigate their own paths whenever it gets tricky, and I also hope it can be a tiny contribution towards a much needed social change.

Callejo García C. C. (2020). TW. Ableism. Disability Justice & Violence Prevention Resource Hub. Retrieved from: https://indisabilityjustice.org/insert-publication-link

Name: Cénix C. Callejo.
Pronouns: They/them.

Bio: Cénix is a biologist and an environmental activist. They are a MSc in Biology, a Wildlife Rehabilitator and Environmental Educator Specialized in Grassroots Community Conservation, at different farmers and indigenous-led conservation projects. They have studied and volunteered/worked within the Environmental Field at Spain, UK, Greece, Peru and Ecuador.

Besides Wildlife Protection, Cénix has also been and is actively involved within several activism fields, regarding Mental Health, Disability, Survivorship, Homelessness and Transfeminism, amongst others.

After several episodes of male violence and mobbing linked to a severe work accident at their last job placement in 2019, they are currently being hosted at Spain, recovering while working and expanding their studies, seeking to expand their working opportunities in order to be able to fully afford again their own room and life expenses.

Photo:

[PHOTO DESCRIPTION: A frontal picture of Cénix, a white person with black curly hair to the shoulders, from head to knees. They are at a forest. Their right hand is grabbing a branch tree, their left arm is hanging. They are wearing grey sports trousers, a colourful shirt with flowers and a pink sweater.  They are smiling and wearing black and white glasses. They are also wearing a red fanny pack with a pin of a yellow daffodil. There is a big rock behind them and green trees at the back.]

Where to read more: You can find more about their poetry (in Spanish) or contact them at their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/Oniroteca/

Neuroqueer Survivorship/Supervivencia Neuroqueer – Faerie Bear Art

About Faerie Bear Art

Faerie Bear Art is an art adventure by Skye Ashton Kantola (she/they) founded in late 2016. Skye is a fat, white, trans, queer, and intersex, chronically ill autistic person. Skye’s art focuses on trauma healing and uplifting marginalized communities. 10% of all art sales are donated to BreakOUT! Youth, a QTPOC youth lead organization focused on abolition and decriminalization in Louisiana. In some cases, the profits from certain pieces are also split with collaborators.

Poem: Personal Healing is Communal Healing – Faerie Bear Art

A comic-style hand-drawn graphic with 4 panels numbered 1-4 from top to bottom and left to right. The art is titled "Personal Healing is Communal Healing", the same as the associated poem. In the first panel, a child is sitting sadly with a closed body posture, their arms crossed over their lap, head down, crying, and with a broken heart over their chest. An adult is also in this panel, standing, kind of slumped over, also crying. Their heart is a jumbled mess of tangled lines. In the second panel, the child is in the same position. The adult has opened their eyes and stopped crying as they begin paying closer attention to their body. Their tangles heart lines appear to be taking some shape. In the third graphic, the child still has their arms crossed over their lap and their heart is still broken, but they have opened their eyes to look at the adult and stopped crying. The adult's heart has formed into their inner child - whole again - and they are gently cradling their inner child as the sitting child looks on. In the final frame, the adult has worked with their childhood self to heal enough that they an now share their inner child with the sitting child. They have bent down, arms open, to invite their inner child to support the sitting child who is clearly navigating their own childhood harm. The inner child gently wraps their arms around the sitting child and the sitting child smiles to welcome the embrace and their heart begins to get *stitched* back together to heal. All three are in more open, inviting, and connected positions. The comic ends with a social media handle @FaerieBearArt for Patreon, Etsy, Facebook, and Instragram.
A comic-style hand-drawn graphic with 4 panels numbered 1-4 from top to bottom and left to right. The art is titled “Personal Healing is Communal Healing”, the same as the associated poem. In the first panel, a child is sitting sadly with a closed body posture, their arms crossed over their lap, head down, crying, and with a broken heart over their chest. An adult is also in this panel, standing, kind of slumped over, also crying. Their heart is a jumbled mess of tangled lines. In the second panel, the child is in the same position. The adult has opened their eyes and stopped crying as they begin paying closer attention to their body. Their tangles heart lines appear to be taking some shape. In the third graphic, the child still has their arms crossed over their lap and their heart is still broken, but they have opened their eyes to look at the adult and stopped crying. The adult’s heart has formed into their inner child – whole again – and they are gently cradling their inner child as the sitting child looks on. In the final frame, the adult has worked with their childhood self to heal enough that they an now share their inner child with the sitting child. They have bent down, arms open, to invite their inner child to support the sitting child who is clearly navigating their own childhood harm. The inner child gently wraps their arms around the sitting child and the sitting child smiles to welcome the embrace and their heart begins to get *stitched* back together to heal. All three are in more open, inviting, and connected positions. The comic ends with a social media handle @FaerieBearArt for Patreon, Etsy, Facebook, and Instragram.

Poem

I cannot find the childhood I lost.

But maybe
I can create love and safety
For children now – my childhood now –

Or at least

Let other lost children
Know they aren’t alone.
We aren’t alone.

About Faerie Bear Art

Faerie Bear Art is an art adventure by Skye Ashton Kantola (she/they) founded in late 2016. Skye is a fat, white, trans, queer, and intersex, chronically ill autistic person. Skye’s art focuses on trauma healing and uplifting marginalized communities. 10% of all art sales are donated to BreakOUT! Youth, a QTPOC youth lead organization focused on abolition and decriminalization in Louisiana. In some cases, the profits from certain pieces are also split with collaborators.