Danea is a Survivor

Creating art to heal.

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More art by survivors and allies

Dark Night of the Soul

The words below are the written words of Stephanie Winn’s poe “Dark Night of the Soul”. The video has her spoken words.

*Please Note: IDJ does not align with any one religion, faith, or belief system. Instead, we offer a platform where people with disabilities can express their diverse experiences.

Dark Night of the Soul

1 decade. It’s been 1 decade since my body turned on me, taking freedom and sanity in 1 fell swoop. Initiating a loop of nausea, dizziness, and headaches that takes my life and makes it something I do not recognize. The cries that emit from my soul are ragged and raw. I crawl to the bathroom, room spinning around, the ground no longer something I can trust. And all I know is I must find answers and a cure, but 10 year in I am no longer sure that they exist.

 

I am told to resist the dark hole that comes in these moments. Emotions take me to my end. But I do not descend. I wait for the recovering, the days of relief that make the suffering fade and my eyes are again able to see the beauty that is my life. When I’ve been stuck in bed and am now able to rise, the lies of sickness become instantly clear. My fear of lost relationships slips under the sea of love and support my friends and family always show me. I know the guilt of missing out is pointless as these memories are eclipsed by the constancy of my love. And my love is deep. 

 

One of the gifts reaped from the pain is a gratefulness that seeps into my very being for all of the daily scenes. Like the sound of my daughter’s laughs, the warmth of a full bubble bath, my husband’s kiss on my lips, and the delicious salt of my favorite chips. These moments are not lost on me. 

 

But, I am greedy. I want only the good all the time. This needy body of mine makes me sick as I tick off another day spent in the grip of chronic illness. So, I turn to my Maker, my Father, Creator. 

 

The same hands that hold me, molded me. Did they make a mistake or are they unable to take this away? I pray and I beg. I negotiate. Offer up 1 fate in exchange for another. Let’s make a deal. If you heal me, I’ll serve you forever. Never ask for anything more. 

 

But, deep in my core I know, the answer may be no or not yet. And if so, can I let go and even rejoice as I listen for His still, soft voice?

 

Oh daughter, this was not my plan, not the work of my hands. I hear your cries and I touch your soul. The miracle just looks different than you thought. I have fought for you each and every day in the spiritual battle you do not see. The sea is not deep enough to hold my love for you. I cover you with my wing and sing over you with rejoicing. I see your pain and I do not turn away. I stay and I will fill your cup. I will hold you up until this world passes into the next and you rest in me. 

 

Until then, it is enough that He who calmed the sea, resides in me. Bringing peace in the storm and light in the darkest night of my soul.

About the Author:

Stephanie Winn attended Ball State University and graduated with a Master’s degree in Speech language pathology. She has worked as a speech therapist for the last 10 years in nursing homes, home care, and the school setting. She is currently on medical leave due to her struggle with vestibular migraines and hashimoto’s thyroiditis. She is actively involved in Urban Light Community Church in Muncie, Indiana. Stephanie is happily married to Seth and they have 2 daughters, Zayla (age 10) and Aria (age 8). Stephanie enjoys spending time with her friends and family, reading, and going for walks.

In this picture, Stephanie Winn has long brownish blonde hair, wearing a light blue, button-up, long sleeved shirt.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ableism and Parenting

About the author:

Hi! My name is Megan Deahl! I am a wife, momma, writer, disability advocate, animal lover, and avid crafter. Do you have questions about ableism? Please feel free to email me at deahldisabilityactivism@gmail.com. We can only eradicate ableism through education.

This is a photo of Megan and her family. Megan is in a power chair and’is leaning into Nate, her husband who is in his power chair. Alister, their son is sitting on Nate’s shoulders. Megan is wearing an organge dress. Nate and Alister are wearing red flanel skirts and jeans. All of them have big smiles. They are outside in front f colorful trees.

Unknown Cause

Unknown Cause

The artwork is a line drawing in marker with colored pencils for emphasis. The piece shows the merging of health, struggles with addiction, pain and diagnosis with visuals of a bloodstream flowing through pills, flowers, plants, quotes, medical bills, and diagnoses, some from doctors and some from friends, family, or acquaintances. Text: Live and Let Live; "fight flight and freeze behaviors are unconsciously reflexive"; Robotic laparoscopic hysterectomy; emotional abuse; Disorder, Unspecified 300.02; Insurance Denial; "What story are you telling yourself"; This, too, shall pass; to remove the uterus (womb); patient balance- $29,886.61, insurance balance; "When pain becomes chronic, the nervous system naturally becomes overactive"; pain 1-5 (worst); Depressive Disorder; "There is so much we don't know, and to write truthfully about your life, your own or your mother's... is to engage repeatedly with those patches of darkness, those nights of history, those places of unknown...(R.Solnit); post traumatic stress disorder.
The artwork is a line drawing in marker with colored pencils for emphasis. The piece shows the merging of health, struggles with addiction, pain and diagnosis with visuals of a bloodstream flowing through pills, flowers, plants, quotes, medical bills, and diagnoses, some from doctors and some from friends, family, or acquaintances. Text: Live and Let Live; “fight flight and freeze behaviors are unconsciously reflexive”; Robotic laparoscopic hysterectomy; emotional abuse; Disorder, Unspecified 300.02; Insurance Denial; “What story are you telling yourself”; This, too, shall pass; to remove the uterus (womb); patient balance- $29,886.61, insurance balance; “When pain becomes chronic, the nervous system naturally becomes overactive”; pain 1-5 (worst); Depressive Disorder; “There is so much we don’t know, and to write truthfully about your life, your own or your mother’s… is to engage repeatedly with those patches of darkness, those nights of history, those places of unknown…(R. Solnit); post traumatic stress disorder.

Meet the artist

Solomon, she/her, an artist
Solomon, she/her, artist

About the artist:

Stephanie Solomon (she/her) is the new Youth Program Coordinator with the Indiana Coalition Against Domestic Violence.  She spent over 3 years as Prevention Coordinator with the Youth Services Bureau of Monroe County, with a focus on promoting healthy relationships and environments for youth and families.  She is a graduate of Indiana University with 19 years of experience in the social service sector and is currently pursuing a Master’s in Public Health at Indiana University.  Stephanie is an adult ally with the Kaleidoscope Youth Community. She is passionate about primary prevention and building spaces that promote belonging for youth and families.  She enjoys karaoking to Barbara Streisand songs.

About the art:

The artwork is a line drawing in marker with colored pencils for emphasis.  The piece shows the merging of health, struggles with addiction, pain and diagnosis with visuals of a bloodstream flowing through pills, flowers, plants, quotes, medical bills, and diagnoses, some from doctors and some from friends, family, or acquaintances.  Text: Live and Let Live; “fight flight and freeze behaviors are unconsciously reflexive”; Robotic laparoscopic hysterectomy; emotional abuse; Disorder, Unspecified 300.02; Insurance Denial; “What story are you telling yourself”; This, too, shall pass; to remove the uterus (womb); patient balance- $29,886.61, insurance balance; “When pain becomes chronic, the nervous system naturally becomes overactive”; pain 1-5 (worst); Depressive Disorder; “There is so much we don’t know, and to write truthfully about your life, your own or your mother’s… is to engage repeatedly with those patches of darkness, those nights of history, those places of unknown…(R.Solnit); post traumatic stress disorder.

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When you subscribe, you will receive editorial and creative writing, art, videos, and news written by Disabled people and people with disabilities, including cognitive and developmental disabilities. The disability justice and violence prevention hub is a online resource that centers the voices of survivors of violence with disabilities. We share these voices through webinars, advocacy, accessible evaluation, and primary prevention promising practices, and other educational resources.

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