* IDJ does not endorse any religious affiliation
* CONTENT WARNING: This post deals with suicidal ideation.
To me being safe comes from feeling loved, accepted, wanted, needed, and valued. What happens when someone does not feel that way towards themselves? Meet me and my long struggle with depression and suicidality. My family and friends did provide those things. I just could not feel it towards myself. That dissonance seemed insurmountable, and it only made me feel worse, like nobody understood. Nobody saw the true me.
Did I feel safe? That is a resounding NO! I have a wonderful faith, and I just wanted to go to my heavenly home. No, it was not a hopeful wish. For many years, I was frustrated, worn, and wanted to die, but I did not want to hurt anyone I loved and cared about. It was this push/pull that exhausted and shamed me for what seemed like a lifetime. At times, I just did not care about how others would feel, which landed me in the psych ward too many times to count.
It was a rough road and a lot of unsafe years. God eventually put two strangers in my way, a very stubborn, patient and caring counselor and a gracious, thoughtful pastor I had heard preach once or twice that I now call friend. They just would not give up on me. My counselor just kept saying to hang on until WE get through this. She gave me room and support to share, heal and grow. My poor pastor, I would pour out all the ugliness I felt into emails that he would faithfully answer with gentleness and grace. I believe sometimes it was a nightly thing. I was never “to much to take.” Although they did not know each other, my counselor and my pastor, from time to time they would ask me what the other thought.
They were safe. They had not known me beforehand and had no idea who I was, if I was loveable, acceptable, and valuable. Now, of course, a counselor and pastor would think a person was loveable, acceptable and valuable, but that did not matter. They did not know me and therefore, there were no expectations I could fail to meet.
Through a lot of hard work, support, meds, and an encounter with God. I began to love and accept myself, to feel that I was wanted and needed, and I found my intrinsic value. I was able to accept the love and support my family and friends had to offer without feeling like a fraud.
I feel safe when I am heard.
In writing this, I left out so many memories, good and hard, that I could fill ten or twenty pages. I had supportive friends and family and other very good counselors throughout my struggle. I also left out that I have Cerebral Palsy which adds another layer of complexity. This was not on purpose. My depression was never about “if I could only speak clearly, or walk, or… then I would be happy.” I wanted to tell you about feeling safe.
My life was hard, but it is good.
About the Author
Image Description: Jennifer is smiling broadly with her long hair pulled back and wearing a purple shirt.
Author Bio:
I have been working with ICADV/IDJ since 2020. I have several disabilities, Cerebral Palsy and recurring depression. Working with and helping others are my favorite activities. I believe in promoting equality, equity and justice among all marginalized people. Faith is very important in guiding me through enjoying what life has to offer.v