The words below are the written words of Stephanie Winn’s poe “Dark Night of the Soul”. The video has her spoken words.
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Dark Night of the Soul
1 decade. It’s been 1 decade since my body turned on me, taking freedom and sanity in 1 fell swoop. Initiating a loop of nausea, dizziness, and headaches that takes my life and makes it something I do not recognize. The cries that emit from my soul are ragged and raw. I crawl to the bathroom, room spinning around, the ground no longer something I can trust. And all I know is I must find answers and a cure, but 10 year in I am no longer sure that they exist.
I am told to resist the dark hole that comes in these moments. Emotions take me to my end. But I do not descend. I wait for the recovering, the days of relief that make the suffering fade and my eyes are again able to see the beauty that is my life. When I’ve been stuck in bed and am now able to rise, the lies of sickness become instantly clear. My fear of lost relationships slips under the sea of love and support my friends and family always show me. I know the guilt of missing out is pointless as these memories are eclipsed by the constancy of my love. And my love is deep.
One of the gifts reaped from the pain is a gratefulness that seeps into my very being for all of the daily scenes. Like the sound of my daughter’s laughs, the warmth of a full bubble bath, my husband’s kiss on my lips, and the delicious salt of my favorite chips. These moments are not lost on me.
But, I am greedy. I want only the good all the time. This needy body of mine makes me sick as I tick off another day spent in the grip of chronic illness. So, I turn to my Maker, my Father, Creator.
The same hands that hold me, molded me. Did they make a mistake or are they unable to take this away? I pray and I beg. I negotiate. Offer up 1 fate in exchange for another. Let’s make a deal. If you heal me, I’ll serve you forever. Never ask for anything more.
But, deep in my core I know, the answer may be no or not yet. And if so, can I let go and even rejoice as I listen for His still, soft voice?
Oh daughter, this was not my plan, not the work of my hands. I hear your cries and I touch your soul. The miracle just looks different than you thought. I have fought for you each and every day in the spiritual battle you do not see. The sea is not deep enough to hold my love for you. I cover you with my wing and sing over you with rejoicing. I see your pain and I do not turn away. I stay and I will fill your cup. I will hold you up until this world passes into the next and you rest in me.
Until then, it is enough that He who calmed the sea, resides in me. Bringing peace in the storm and light in the darkest night of my soul.
About the Author:
Stephanie Winn attended Ball State University and graduated with a Master’s degree in Speech language pathology. She has worked as a speech therapist for the last 10 years in nursing homes, home care, and the school setting. She is currently on medical leave due to her struggle with vestibular migraines and hashimoto’s thyroiditis. She is actively involved in Urban Light Community Church in Muncie, Indiana. Stephanie is happily married to Seth and they have 2 daughters, Zayla (age 10) and Aria (age 8). Stephanie enjoys spending time with her friends and family, reading, and going for walks.
